Compassionate communication
also referred to as
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has purpose in strengthening your
ability to inspire compassion from others and to respond compassionately
to others and to yourself. NVC guides you to reframe how you express
yourselves and hear others by focusing your consciousness on what
you observe, feel, need, and request.
NVC trains you to make careful observations
free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that
affect you. You learn to recognize your own deeper needs and those
of others, as well as to identify and clearly articulate what you
want in a given moment. When you focus on clarifying what you observed,
felt, and needed, rather than on diagnosing and judging, you discover
the depth of your own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to
yourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness
and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.
The formula becomes simple, yet powerfully transformative.
While taught through the use of
a concrete [model], and referred to as “a process of communication”
or a “language of compassion,” Nonviolent Communication
becomes more than a process or a language. As your cultural conditioning
often leads your attention in directions unlikely to get you what
you want, NVC serves as an ongoing reminder to focus your attention
on places that have the potential to yield what you seek—a
flow between yourself and others based on a mutual giving from the
heart.
Founded on language and communication
skills that enable you to remain human, even under trying conditions,
Nonviolent Communication contains nothing new: all that has been
integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is
to remind you about what you already know—about how you as
a human can best relate to another human and to assist you in living
in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
The use of NVC does not require
that the persons with whom you communicate appear literate in NVC
or even motivated to relate to you compassionately. If you stay
with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and
receive compassionately, and do everything you can to let others
know the sincerity of your motive, people will join you in the process
and eventually everyone will comfortably respond compassionately
to one another. While this process may not happen quickly, experience
demonstrates that compassion inevitably blossoms when you stay true
to the principles and process of Nonviolent Communication.
Nonviolent Communication Skills
As the name implies, this approach to communication emphasizes compassion
as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame,
coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words,
compassionate communication gets what you want for reasons you will
not regret later. These techniques allow you to make conscious choices
about how you will respond whether you get what you want, or not.
It is definitely NOT about guilt and tricking people into giving
you what you want.
feelings inventories
The following are words we use when we want to express a combination
of emotional states and physical sensations. This list is neither
exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support
anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery
and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people.
There are two parts to this list:
feelings we may have when our needs are being met and feelings we
may have when our needs are not being met.
feelings when your needs
are satisfied
AFFECTIONATE
compassionate
friendly
loving
open hearted
sympathetic
tender
warm
The following list of needs is neither
exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to
support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening
self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection
between people.
We have another list that might
also be of interest to you: a list of [feelings].
CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence
PLAY
joy
humor
PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity
WATER MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding
NVC
MODEL ANIMATION
The NVC model
in words empathic listening:
Honestly expressing:
Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests
Both sides of the NVC
model: empathically listening and honestly expressing, use the four steps
of the model: observations, feelings, needs, requests.
