On any day at a typical Pakistani school, the teacher using language such as "You are a poor student" punctuates the classrooms! "Amjad, you are right! You are a brilliant boy!" Students who complete their work and evaluated as excellent students and those who do not and seen as weak or poor students learn early the language of labeling and judging. Depending on the number of good or poor students, the teachers judged by the administration as good or poor teachers react in a language they learnt during their own schooling. Going by the number of good or poor teachers, the schools in turn judged by society as good or poor schools push teachers and students to increasingly intolerable levels of criticisms and
judgments. Ramiz Allawala traces much of the corruption and violence in Pakistani society to this judgmental culture picked up during school days.
Ramiz mediates disputes and talks quite a bit about corruption in society, except he claims that these are symptoms of our inability to express our present feelings and the unmet needs behind them. According to him this inattention to language in society translates to crude wielding of power such as bribery, domestic violence, shouting matches, abuse of authority, or just plain dishonesty.
He believes language in society is taught either as a way to analyze and classify one another or to make demands that when not met, lead to accusations. When needs are not met, according to Ramiz, we tend to think in terms of what is wrong with the other person or what is wrong with the system. Both Urdu and English rich with vocabulary which clarifies ways where other people might be wrong is the most potent and abused form of language based on a moralistic classification system. This system, says Ramiz, promotes feelings of guilt and shame and robs individuals of experiencing personal enrichment and close interpersonal relationships. Thus, we witness violence around schools and empathy with fellow students shot dead.
How did this all come about? Ramiz traces this to the global theology dominance. He claims domination cultures that attempted to use theology to influence people followed power struggles created after the passing away of each well-known prophet. This theology domination supported a domination organization with its own domination language. Thus the objectives using this language were to ensure obedience to authority, a reliance on external rewards and punishments, and a caste system surprisingly based on meritocracy. In the last century, Adolph Hitler's Third Reich mastered this language into "Amtssprache" or 'Office Language' and this language was used to dehumanize millions of innocent people before they met their deaths in concentration camps. Today according to Ramiz we see this culture manifest in business communication that is cold, impersonal and uncaring. As a consultant Ramiz is amazed, when visiting corporate clients, with observing surveillance cameras, access control, document tracking, hierarchies of control, tight supervision. He is amused that his corporate clients are confused that despite receiving high salaries their employees showing signs of low motivation, team spirit and morale appeared unsatisfied with their lives. He also notices an increasing number of conflicts and a tendency leading to quickly criticize fellow employees, superiors and clients. At schools, Ramiz observes, using the business analogy, that when educational targets which are not met, it is the customer that is fired. In this case, the student has failed!
So what do we do? Change history? Give up our way of life? Change our habits? According to Ramiz, we do no such thing. He believes we not try to unlearn the messages brought down by centuries of conditioning rather relearn new ways to communicate and to discover ways to look at our lives and the lives of others that breed empathy and compassion. He would like us to separate what is natural -- an innate desire to enrich others, from what is habitual -- a learned instinct that all is not well with us or with others.
So when a teacher yells at her student "you are lazy for not doing your home work!" and "you will fail in your exams. You must try harder or else we will have to call in your parents!" She could have said "When I see your homework not done, I am feeling concerned because I want all my students to get a sense of accomplishment. I would like you to tell me what I can do to make home work more fun."
Contrast these two approaches and you will see a distinct pattern emerging. In the second case, the teacher does not label the child as "lazy", rather he merely observes that the home work was not done. Instead of threatening punishments, he discovers expressing his feelings and the unmet needs behind them. Finally, the teacher expresses a positive statement that requests an immediate action from the student. This pattern helps connect with what is alive at present between student and teacher rather than intellectualize about what is wrong and what should be.
This form of compassionate communication, first developed at the Centre for Non-violent Communication in Switzerland , has triggered a silent revolution at schools and corporations across the globe. From Palestine to Serbia and from South Africa to South America individuals are embracing the concept of
focused communication based on the principles of humane sensing, feeling and empathy. If Ramiz has his way, he would like to coordinate this effort because he says it meets his need to contribute towards enriching the lives of others and reducing conflicts.
Schools promote violence by teaching children to suppress feelings. This is the natural by-product in the domination culture because expression of feelings upsets the office language or "Aamssprectch". However, according to Ramiz Allawala people care more and are motivated to cooperate when feelings are expressed because they humanize us. Conversely, if we make a diagnosis or
analyze situations others become more resistant or even antagonistic. They then try to prove us wrong.
During a conflict in school, when asked to state a feeling one of the students involved said, "I feel I am being cheated". Ramiz goes to great lengths to explain that this is not a feeling rather is an expression of frustration or suspicion. According to him, we interpret the actions of others calling them our feelings. Instead, he encourages the aggrieved party to state, I am angry because I believe you are cheating me." Is this word play? On the other hand, is there something deeper to this compassionate language? Ramiz Allawala believes so strongly that he favours this above all other forms of education. I express my reservations; "I don't know how I feel about all this." He replies with convincing empathy, "Are you feeling frustrated because you would like to be in touch with your feelings and are not?" He just earned my full attention. I get a strong sense that he has connected to me at a very deep level. Ramiz goes on, " Are you seeking some assistance in getting in touch with your feelings and needs?" I respond by saying, " It makes sense, but I want to sound as convincing as you." I was startled by his next response; "Sounds like you are excited about the possibility of my helping you in this type of communication." This went beyond mind reading. Ramiz explains we can teach ourselves to connect with what is truly alive in us and alive in others and that simply put is connecting with our present needs and feelings. I begin to feel vulnerable and terrified and Ramiz explains that my reactions are human. I feel warmth and comfort once I realize that it was my own fear that prevents me from receiving messages from others and expressing my self in terms of my needs and feelings.
So why do we have to fight so much? How does this explain why there is so much hatred in all forms of nationalism, racism, bigotry, domestic violence, chronic aggravation and public display of anger?
Ramiz Allawala's search for answers to these questions led him to the European Centre for Non-violent communication, in Switzerland set up by a Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. There on a partial scholarship to attend the Intensive International Training (IIT) he discovered a network of sixty such
centers across the globe manned by people working to change the future, through this simple yet revolutionary method of communication.
In 1966, Dr. Rosenberg founded the first centre in USA to support his work mediating conflicts between civil rights activists and institutions undergoing desegregation. As a child growing up in a violent and turbulent Detroit neighborhood, Dr. Rosenberg wanted to find a way to stop the need for violence. As a psychologist in 1961, he set out to discover such a language and to teach it.
Ramiz, who is a self-trained ethicist, needed to address the issues of corruption without turning into a self-righteous preacher. He wanted to suggest changes in how people behave with and relate to one another without judging or resorting to harsh punishment. He discovered NVC as a means of expression without manipulating or shaming others. The toughest part according to him was to learn not to be defensive about his behavior. One participant at the IIT course appeared angry because Ramiz was engaging Dr. Rosenberg in role-plays involving conflicts between young people and taking up too much discussion time. Ramiz, a seasoned public speaker, got ready to defend his actions and, as he describes it, "was ready to destroy this man whom I suddenly viewed as an opponent, a hostile enemy." However, he realized this was not an attack but a hidden expression of an unmet need of the other participant. Instead of saying what would be a response typical for him, Ramiz said, "When I take the time I have taken to express my self during this course, does that leave you feeling frustrated because you want to say some things and you're worried that you may not have time to do so?" The other participant instantly changed his stance. Sensing he now understood the needs behind this participant's anger, Ramiz resolved the conflict by guessing what this man wanted. So he asked, "Would you therefore like me to agree to suspend the rest of my remarks until you have the opportunity to say what's on your mind?" That participant went on to become a big supporter of Ramiz and later wrote a letter expressing deep feelings for him.
This experience had a profound effect on Ramiz and now he is planning to team up with Dr. Rosenberg to coordinate efforts of schools using NVC across the world. Presently, a number of schools are converting their curriculums and their administrative style of operating along the lines proposed by Dr. Rosenberg in his book, "Mutual Education" published in 1967. Although, hardly any copies were sold when this book was originally published, because it contained ideas for radical change which the education establishment was unwilling to accept. Now, Dr. Rosenberg is in demand because traditional educational systems producing good academics are seen as inadequate for producing responsible citizenry.
